I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
