Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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