Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
