Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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