my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
