I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
