My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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