I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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