i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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