so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Vodka?
Forever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
