i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
