I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
