Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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