I can text with my tongue
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
