I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
