I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
