I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
