I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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