i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
