I looked at my own cervix.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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