Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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