fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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