I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
