Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
