I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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