I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
