you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
