You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
