i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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