well I can't set my house on fire every night
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
