My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
