I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
