her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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