Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
