Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
