Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
