shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
