I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
