So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
