i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
