well I can't set my house on fire every night
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
