So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
