Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
