I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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