Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
