Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
