I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
