I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
