walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Your cock deserves a montage
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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