I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
